


Toothless and the Human Hatchlings

by oh_anakin



Category: Hiccup Series - Cressida Cowell
Genre: Gen, I'm so sorry, Post-Canon, Toothless is a Jealous Baby, cw for Extremely Unpleasant Biting, featuring aroace hiccup, he just doesn't seem the type?, hopefully this is humorous?, i just sort of ignore the part where hiccup mentions his wife in one of the epilogues, may or may not have a sequel chapter depending on whether i can get my muse to cooperate, not related to the above point but i just thought i'd mention it, semi canon compliant, this is the most inane thing i've ever written, toothless-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-27 04:50:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20401957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_anakin/pseuds/oh_anakin
Summary: Toothless tries to establish dominance over an unpleasant new reality.





	Toothless and the Human Hatchlings

Toothless knew how hatchlings happened. 

First one dragon decides they want to have an egg, and then they find another dragon who also wants to have an egg, and then... (Toothless had gotten distracted by a particularly tempting butterfly during that part of the Wodensfang's lecture on the Facts Of Life)... and THEN, one of them had to sit on the egg till it hatched. (This part Toothless knew already, from having caught glimpses of other dragons from the Hatching Cliffs back on Berk becoming new parents.) Then, if they were lucky, the hatchling got out all right, and started demanding things like worms and oysters straight from mama's mouth. 

Largely, Toothless didn't bother interacting with hatchlings. Those baby Dreader-Dragons who’d imprinted on him weren't SO bad, but any others? Yuck. 

Human hatchlings were much yuckier than dragon hatchlings: they wiggled, squalled, and disgusting liquids came out of either end--sometimes both at once. Toothless didn't understand why ANYONE would want one, much less keep one. 

A few weeks after Fishlegs' hatchling had arrived, Toothless had asked Hiccup _**"**_**_**t**hey g-g-gonna kick it outta the nest soon, right?_ ** **"** Hiccup had laughed at him. That was how Toothless had found out humans actually kept their hatchlings around for an exhaustingly long time, till they were hairy mountains that farted. Fishlegs and his wife (Maggie O’Mundanity*) had kept theirs for _two months_ already, with no end in sight.

Hiccup hadn't gotten a human mate*, so Toothless figured he was probably safe from any more wiggling bothers.

(*It wasn't because no one tried, though. More than once, Hiccup and Toothless had had to hide in the castle pantry from a particularly persistent Bashem-Oik mother who "just wanted to introduce" her seven Very Single Daughters.) 

But then Hiccup brought home TWO.

* * *

The arrivals had names. Toothless refused to learn them.

Hiccup said the one with red wisps on its head was a girl, and the dark-haired drooly one was a boy. Toothless wasn’t sure what the difference was, and he didn’t particularly care. 

Because of them, the castle was NEVER quiet anymore. _Something_ was always babbling or wailing for Hiccup's attention, and for his part, Hiccup kept disrupting Toothless's sleep by GETTING UP at all hours of the night.

**_("P-p-put them back," _** Toothless spat when he first saw them.

**_"No,"_** Hiccup said. **_"They're coming to live with us, because they are going to be my Heirs one day."_**

** _"Why? _ ** _ **Y-y-you didn't even hatch them yourself!"** _

**_"Compromise with the Council of Chiefs*,"_** Hiccup said, and then he launched into a long explanation Toothless didn't bother listening to, because Hiccup never ended up saying: _"they're actually going to be snacks for some Sky-Dragons, want to come watch?")_

Toothless consoled himself with the entire castle pantry supply of oysters, making sure to smack his lips very loudly to cover the sound of babies fussing. He ate himself into a nap.

Napping wasn’t nearly as restful as it used to be, though.

* * *

Against his will, one afternoon, Toothless woke up to Hiccup rustling around in the makeshift nursery. 

Irritably, Toothless crawled out of Hiccup’s jacket. He didn’t feel like flapping off to the pantry again, so he decided to complain.

_**“They don’t talk. They b-b-boring.” **_He scowled down at the contents of the cradle.

They were little things, pale and soft and fat as butter. One of them was sucking their thumb. 

**_"T__hey'll be talking soon enough_," **said Hiccup (who was not really paying attention). He was busy rooting through the bags of "baby proofing" his aunt Fainting Freda had sent. Hiccup was tall and skinny, like a couple spaghetti noodles got glued together. He hadn't gotten anything close to his father's bush of a beard, just a few red prickles sprouted at random along his pale jaw. Toothless thought they looked stupid.

**_"Wh-wh-WHY do you have them?"_** Toothless went on, irritated. **_"All they do is eat and sleep."_**

**_"Toothless, that's pretty much all YOU do_,"** Hiccup said. 

_**"You r-r-rude. Toothless ignoring you now." **_Toothless waved his paw over the babies, to show off his claws. 

The babies' nanny, a Long-Eared Caretaker Dragon, hissed warningly at him from her corner.

**_'Hey!"_** Toothless protested. **_"Toothless j-j-just saying hello. See?"_** He flapped further away from the cradle, to wave at the babies. **_"Hi, babies."_**

Satisfied, the Caretaker Dragon tucked her head back under her paw, and went back to her nap.

Hiccup shook out a dusty blanket sharply.** _"I know you're not happy. But you'll get used to them."_ **

One of the babies had drool running down the side of his mouth. A LOT of drool. A river of drool, with some snot for consistency.

** _"Don't want to get used to them,"_ ** muttered Toothless, mostly to himself.

**_"Well, you'll have to,"_** Hiccup said, without a trace of pity. He stood up, hefting a ball of trash in his matchstick arms. **_"I’ll be back in a moment, just got to dispose of this. Introduce yourself, maybe? Make nice with the new arrivals. You'll be spending a lot of time together.”_**

Toothless wasn’t in the habit of “making nice”, so he'd already forgotten what Hiccup said by the time the door closed.

He settled himself on the footboard of the cradle.

**_"L-L-LISTEN UP,"_** Toothless told them, **_"Here's how this g-g-gonna go. H-H-Hiccup takes care of ME. He feeds ME oysters, he lets ME sleep under his helmet. NOT YOU. Y-y-you NOT try to replace Toothless, NOT eat my oysters, NOT wake me up IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT anymore."_**

Neither seemed to be listening. The red-headed one made a grab for his tail, completely unfazed. Toothless quickly twitched it out of reach, which only made the little girl burst into uncontainable giggles.

Toothless huffed angrily, smoke snaking from his flared nostrils. **_"This s-s-SERIOUS BUSINESS. You're dealing with a SEADRAGONUS GIGANTICUS MAXIMUS, I could EAT you if I wanted..._**"

He lashed his tail, considering. "**_Not NOW… Toothless not hungry… babies too chewy... but important that issa thing I COULD DO!"_**

"Ba!" The little girl giggled herself onto her side, where her brother had been lying like a lump just a moment earlier. Where'd he gone--

Slimy baby-jaws locked onto Toothless' tail. 

Toothless HATED when anything happened to his tail. 

**_"AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"_** Toothless bellowed, rocketing toward the ceiling. 

He hit his head, which was only about the third worst thing to happen today.

The first worst was that the babies started wailing again. 

The Long-Eared Caretaker Dragon snarled up from her nap and chased Toothless out of the nursery. He went to curl up in a pot of cold oysters to nurse his wounds and soothe his wounded ego.

* * *

That incident was how Toothless got himself banned from the nursery. He almost didn't mind. 

Till Hiccup took them OUT of the nursery. 

But, of course, that's another story. 

**Author's Note:**

> * The Council of Chiefs is exactly what it sounds like. To keep more ambitious oppositions from staging a coup, Hiccup formed a ruling council of representatives from every Tribe, so everyone felt included in decision-making. It rarely worked very well, Vikings took a long, LONG time to get used to this whole Diplomacy business.
> 
> * Maggie O’Mundanity is short for Magnanimous Mugger O'Mundanity, a lovely Bard whom Fishlegs married a couple years before the events of this story. 
> 
> TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: Thanks to my lovely Tumblr beta-readers: @yv-sketches, @historyrepeatsitself, and @jayalaw! Your feedback and encouragement really helped me improve this fic. (I couldn't resist editing it just a little a bit further before publication, tho. Feel free to let me know what you think!)


End file.
